But do they write lies about you?
Every magazine in the world writes lies about me.
What are the biggest lies that have been written about you?
It’s not the big lies, it’s the little tidbits. I read about people that I’m dating that I’ve never met.
You should provide your own lies. Maybe there’s something you’d like to tell out readers.
Well, I am really obese right now.
Really. How much do you weigh?
I weigh more than Roseanne Barr. Hey, you know what? Vince Paterson, who is choreographing the show now, his mother called him from Florida and said, “Vince, is everything all right?” Vince said, “Yeah, what are you talking about?” She said, “Well, I know you’re working for Madonna now. Is she O.K.?” He said, “Yeah, she is fine. Why?” What’s wrong?” She said, “Well, I just read that she gained fifty pounds and she’s having a really hard time working it off. She can’t do the dance steps . . .” It’s the silliest stuff. I must have been pregnant three hundred times in the last five years. I was dating Rob Lowe.
I was too. Are you the jealous type?
If your ex-girlfriend was dating someone, you wouldn’t be jealous?
I don’t think so.
Lie! Yes, you would! Everybody is.
Are you jealous off all your exes if they’re dating somebody?
I have a little twinge of jealousy behind my knee. I secretly want to kill them. You get really territorial over people you spent years of your life with. You don’t want anybody else to have them.
Going how far back?
Going as far back as I can remember. I mean, the idea that the first guy I ever slept with my lover when I was fifteen, is married and has kids really breaks me up. I wonder if he still loves me. He probably does.
Maybe you just want to keep them all.
That would be nice.
I always used to think that would be ideal.
Do you think anybody would stand for that shit?
NO, of course not.
But in an ideal world, where you were president, you could make it work that way.
I think Donald Trump is campaigning to be president now, carrying on.
With Marla? But he can’t be president if he’s had sex. That’s the rule.
No, no. It’s all cyclical. He wants to be like Kennedy, and he has to prove that he’s a womanizer.
It’s not cool to be like Kennedy anymore. Look at Gary Hart.
No, Gary Hart just didn’t have it. He didn’t have that aura of power.
You mean Donald Trump is powerful? He’s a wimp. Oh, don’t print that. I want tickets to the next Tyson fight.
I do think it’s all cyclical. You go through periods where the country wants a real solid family man, and then you go through periods where the country wants –
A guy with a dick?
A potentate. And then he probably gets assassinated.
Ow! But Donald Trump? Isn’t there anyone else? Couldn’t we get someone more handsome?
Have you ever considered running for public office?
I think I’ve had a fantasy about it. I’d have to hone up on a few factual things if I did that. Maybe I’m too self-centered.
But there hasn’t been a woman yet.
Give it time. Kim Basinger could become the mayor of that town she bought in Georgia.
That could be a conflict of interest.
But you don’t have any ambitions like that.
I make jokes sometimes that I’m going to run for president someday.
I think that’s a good idea. In fact, I think I thought of that.
That you would run for president?
No, that you would. Didn’t I write that once? Didn’t I write Madonna for president once? It sure rings a bell. I think it was my idea. You just have to wait till you’re thirty-five.
What are you writing down?
That line that one of your dancers said: “Your shoes should throw a party so your pants can drop on down.”
Is that your head, or did your neck just throw up? Do you want to know my measurements or anything?
Yeah. What are they? What size hat do you wear?
I don’t know.