Virgin on the ridiculous…
Sleek bodywork, built for speed, pop’s provocative new goddess made time in her busy schedule to tell her British public the facts about love, life and the sordid hotbed of perversion and depravity that is New York at night. Read on as Nick Datsun and Maurice Minor, the cars who get the stars, give you the facts on this year’s hottest property! (Government health warning: This interview has been censored.)
The dumb lamppost that had been by my side for about 20 minutes finally decided to speak.
“You got twenty minutes, tops,” he said, ushering me into a hotel room somewhere in London. He closed the door behind us and stood there waving me forward to the well-known American woman sitting by the window drinking Campari. I have been told “for good reasons” that I cannot tell you her name. Why, I wondered in her direction?
“Hey, I dunno really,” she drawls with a shrug. “I just think it would cause a lot of trouble for lots of people if you did. This way we pretend you made it all up and I still get to talk to the people in England.”
Would it be OK if I called you the Virgin Queen, then? She laughs powerfully from the bottom of her mouth and the lamppost slaps a murderous glance across my face.
“Oh sure, I suppose that’s OK. It still sounds like you made it up, so I reckon that’s OK. I’ll probably break down laughing if you say it to my face, though.”
You’re not really known for your sense of humor, are you ?
“Well no, I guess not. I am to my friends, but the people here in England probably know me for other things.”
Like being a Virgin Queen?
“Ha ha ha, you really gotta stop saying that…”
Or having recently changed the direction in which you comb your eyebrows…
“No I haven’t…”
Yes you have, you fibber.
“I did that ages ago but I guess it takes you journalists a bit of time to catch up with things.”
“And I don’t actually change their direction, I just got to making them sort of square on the centre and finer at the ends instead of one uniform crescent shape all along.”
Yes, but why is what I’m asking you?
“Oh I just felt like a change and I’d started letting my hair go a bit flatter and when my hair’s flat it makes my face look really round so I decided to square my face up a bit by doing my eyebrows that way.”
And your thighs look a bit hefty as well.
“I beg your pardon…”
Your thighs, they look a bit plumpish.
“Are all people from Liverpool as cheeky as you?”
Cheekier, I’m the quiet one. Is it because you’ve been doing less dancing?
“Is what because…?”
Your chubby thighs.
“Oh… yes. I don’t know whether you paid so much attention to my thighs the first time I came to England but they were far more muscular then. Although I’ve never actually stopped dancing, the type of dancing I’ve done has gotten progressively more routine to the point where, for example, when I’m singing a ballad I don’t move hardly at all. So I guess some of that muscle has kinda transformed into fat. I guess I’ll have to start exercising more regularly and get them back in shape.
Yes, they’ve definitely seen better days. And one of the things I noticed about the Penthouse/Playboy photos was how muscular and athletic your legs looked.
‘Why thank you Nick, that is just about the neatest way I’ve heard anybody bring up the subject of those photographs… and before you ask, no, I’m not ashamed of them.”
You’ve no reason to be. But don’t you look at them and wish you still had those lovely thighs?
“Ha ha ha… of course I do. Don’t you look at photos of yourself when you had hair and wish you’d still got iy?”
OK. 15 all. Tell me something about your home life. Do you have any pets for example?
“Well, yes, but I’m a bit embarrassed to talk about it.”
“Because it’s the kind of pet journalists would make a big deal of my having.’
You don’t mean you’ve got a snake?
‘How the hell did you find that out?”
I just guessed. What’s so dodgy about having a snake anyway?
‘Well, psychologists and all those guys reckon it’s kinda sexual to have a snake as a pet – particularly if you’re a woman. It’s supposed to mean you secretly wished your boyfriend’s or husband’s was… y’know… a bit bigger. All that phalic symbol sh*t. If a guy has a snake as a pet, though, it’s suppose to mean something whole lot worse.”
“Come on, you know what it means – at least you should do, lookin’ at you.”
Oh thank you very much. And what about your husband? Doesn’t he get sick from his mates about what his wife needs a pet snake for?
“Ha ha ha, I’ve never really thought about that, I guess I’ll have to ask him. Do you think they’d give him a hard time?”
I should think so, especially when he’s already got this reputation for being chained to the sink.
“Really? Come on, I’d never do that to him – well, not to the sink, anyway.”
Speaking of sinks, what’s he like around the house? Does he wash the dishes and make the bed and all that?
“Oh, yeah, he’s swell at washing dishes and making the bed. I’m hopeless. He’s a good cook as well. His speciality is that beed burgeoning stuff. We have that about once a month. We eat it while we’re watching The Dating Game. D’you get that show here in England?”
Yes, but it’s called Blind Date, it’s the staple diet of the educationally subnormal.
“Really? I never miss it. But you English are such snobs about TV. If it isn’t Shakespeare, you people don’t rate it.”
And being a member of the famous “Brat Pack”, does your husband give you tips on your acting?
“Sure! The latest thing he’s been teaching me is Method Acting – y’know, that’s what people like Al Pacino and Bobby De Niro do.”
What is it exactly?
“Well, I’ve really only just started learning about it. I got a book outta library yesterday and it says that what it involves is you have to kinda become the character you’re playin’, otherwise all actin’ is a highly sophisticated kinda lie. I think it was Bette Davis who said that good actin’ was all about being a convincing liar. But with Method Acting you have to actually live the life of a drunk or a hooker or a mother with ten kids before you can play the part.”
So that’s why you got pregnant… if you did?
“Ha ha ha… not quite.”
At this point the lamppost moves forward and tells me I can ask one more question, a short one, which rules out the long discussion about taking virgins as lovers.
You’ve been almost universally interpreted as The Material Girl yet once I read a quote in which you said that’s exactly what you’re not.
“I’ll stick by that one.”
Are you The Virgin Queen?
“Ha ha ha… that kills me. But yeah, sure, if you want, for today at least.”
Can I quote you on that?
“Ha ha… you’re not seriously gonna print any of this crap, are you?”
Here’s looking at you, princess.