Mike Myers: Is this Madonna?
Madonna: Well, unfortunately, yes. [laughs]
Mike Myers: How’s it goin’?
Madonna: I’m O.K. I’m getting my nails done.
Mike Myers: Which nails?
Madonna: My toenails. Have you ever gotten a pedicure?
Mike Myers: Yes, I have.
Madonna: Isn’t it wonderful?
Mike Myers: It’s heavenly. Sort of takes you back to having monkeys pick out your lice. Isn’t that a charming thing to say?
Madonna: Where are you calling me from?
Mike Myers: I’m calling you from Los Angeleeze.
Madonna: Oh, you’re in the same city I’m in. Do you live here?
Mike Myers: No. Robin [Ruzan] and I have rented a little house here while we’re doing Wayne’s World 2.
Madonna: Are you nervous about getting married to Robin [this May]?
Mike Myers: We’ve been together for five years, so I’m not…
Madonna: That nervous.
Mike Myers: No.
Madonna: I think that everyone should get married at least once, so you can see what a silly, outdated institution it is. [both laugh]
Mike Myers: Well, thank you, Mrs. Sunshine!
Madonna: Now, what about her name?
Mike Myers: Her name? Robin?
Madonna: I know. Don’t you think she should change it?
Mike Myers: To “Batman”?
Madonna: No! [exasperated]
Mike Myers: Yikes!
Madonna: I’ve just always had a problem with the name Robin. Go figure. I’ll just call her Mrs. Myers.
Mike Myers: I’d be honored if you call her Mrs. Myers. Now, I’m supposed to be interviewing you.
Madonna: I know, but I just have to ask you some questions, ’cause I haven’t seen you in so long.
Mike Myers: O.K. Ask away.
Madonna: When’s your new movie coming out?
Mike Myers: August. It’s called So, I Married an Axe Murderer.
Madonna: I know what it’s called – I wanted to be in it!
Mike Myers: Did you?
Madonna: Yeah, but my agents thought it would be bad for my reputation. I read the script. It’s cute.
Mike Myers: Oh, good.
Madonna: Well, I’ll shell out the seven dollars for it.
Mike Myers: Seven-fifty, more like! Probably eight.
Madonna: I hardly ever pay to see a movie. I just go and grovel to, like, the manager and say, “Please don’t make me wait in line, people are staring at me,” and then they let me in.
Mike Myers: I don’t have those problems, but…
Madonna: You have others. We all have problem, Mike.
Mike Myers: Oh, you gotta second? My life sucks. Help me, man, I’m sick! [pretends to cry]
Madonna: We’re all sick, baby. That’s why we’re in this business. It’s a prerequisite.
Mike Myers: Well, the only way that I can think to interview you is to do, like, a college-newspaper interview.
Madonna: So you ask me what my favorite color is and stuff?
Mike Myers: All those things, yeah. What’s your favorite toy?
Madonna: My favorite toy? I don’t have toys.
Mike Myers: You don’t have Legos?
Madonna: My favorite toy is my answering machine.