David Letterman: Our first guest tonight is one of the biggest stars in the world, in the past ten years she has sold over 80 million albums starred in countless films and slept with some of the biggest names in the Entertainment industry.
Paul: She’s your guest!
David: It’s right there on her bio for heavens sake.
Paul: She’s your guest.
David: It’s what it says.
Paul: She’s your guest.
David: Oh, she’s, oh, everything’s fine just relax will ya.
David: We’re just trying to have fun.
Paul: Ok, I know.
David: Ok, Ladies and Gentleman, here she is Madonna.
[Madonna comes out and hands Dave her panties]
David: How are you doing?
Madonna: I’m only here ’cause there isn’t a Knicks game, don’t get excited.
David: Oh, come on.
David: Lets go kiss a guy in the audience, why don’t you go kiss a guy in the audience.
Madonna: Why are you so obsessed with my sex life?
David: As we all know, I have none of my own.
Madonna: Well, um.
David: Go kiss the guy in the audience, it would knock him out.
David: Look at that guy, just, like on the forehead, just on the forehead.
Madonna: I can’t.
Madonna: He’s not tall enough.
David: I like that, she said “I can’t”, lot of people would cave into the pressure and say oh alright, they’d go out and kiss him and get it over with.
Madonna: Yeah well I’ve never succumbed to peer pressure.
David: Well good for you, that’s what we love about you Madonna.
David: What brings you….
Madonna: Incidentally, you are a sick f***.
Madonna: I don’t know why I get so much s***.
David: You realize this …
Madonna: You’re twisted.
David: … is being broadcast, don’t you?
David: Well you can’t be talking like that.
David: I say, oh never mind.
David: What brings you to…
Madonna: Wait a minute, Aren’t you going to smell them? [referring to the panties]
David: [Sighs twice]
Madonna: I gave them to you for a reason.
David: Let’s see what I’m doing at my house right now ladies and gentlemen.
Madonna: No, no, no, no, no.
David: I’ll take care of that later, it’s a lovely…
Madonna: I gave him, my, come on, I gave him my underpants and he won’t smell…
Madonna: That’s not where they go. [Dave putting them in his desk drawer]
David: No, that’s, no believe me, that’s where the underwear go, that’s…
David: That’s where, see look here’s where I keep my socks, here’s where I keep my panties.
David: That’s where they go.
Madonna: No, that’s where, that’s where you keep my panties.
David: So what are you doing in New York city? Let me ask you a question, are you buying an NBA team, you buying the Bulls, you buying the Miami Heat, you buying a whya whya …
David: How come?
David: Is that just a rumor? Is that an un…
David: Untrue rumor?
David: But you like basketball.
Madonna: Isn’t that an oxymoron? An untrue rumor.
David: No … Not necessarily.
Madonna: Isn’t that sort of like jumbo shrimp?
David: Some rumors are true.
David: Yeah jumbo shrimp, yes, oxymoron, I mean.
Madonna: Untrue rumor.
David: No, no some rumors are true.
Madonna: Untrue rumor, I mean that’s like funny David Letterman.
David: Oh, man.
David: Sir, [to the man who would have been kissed by Madonna] you’re the luckiest man in the house!
David: So you like basketball a great deal, where’s your interest in basketball.
Madonna: [looking up at microphone] That microphone is really long.
Madonna: Speaking of the NBA.
Madonna: I’m sorry. [giggling]
Madonna: I always go there, and really I don’t care, I mean.
David: So now lets talk about your interest in the NBA, you go to a lot of games, you were, you were friends with Charles Barkely.
Madonna: I wouldn’t go that far.
David: You weren’t friends with Charles Barkley?
Madonna: I don’t think he understands the meaning of friendship.
David: Oh, really he seems like he might be a hothead, that guy.
Madonna: Hmmm, hmmm.
David: Did you know him at all.
Madonna: Hmmm, hmm.
David: Did it hurt when you had that thing put in your nose? [referring to her nose ring]
Madonna: I thought you were going to ask me if it hurt something else, but, I thought you were going to continue the Charles Barkely line of questioning.
David: Ohhhh, man, this is..
David: What a revelation.
Madonna: And the question, and the answer is, um…
David: What a lovely young woman.
Madonna: Hmm, yes.
David: But, you have like, a nose ring there.
Madonna: It hurt, the answer is yes, both questions.
David: What happens when you take that out, will you ever take that out?
Madonna: What happens whey you take it out?
Madonna: Both questions?
David: Oh, come on, come on, what a, what a, what am I speakin’ Chinese here, now stop it.
Madonna: Listen, all you do is talk about my sex life on your show, so now you don’t want to talk about my sex life when I’m on your show.
David: Now what do you mean, do you mean because we refer to you periodically, we make jokes…
Madonna: You can’t get through a show without talking about me or thinking about me.
David: No, but do you mind that, is that a problem for you?
Madonna: It’s never a problem.
David: Alright, I’ll tell you what, let’s do, let’s do a commercial, do you want to do a commercial?
David: Ok, we’ll do a commercial…
Madonna: I don’t think we should ever cut to a commercial.
David: No, we’ll…
Madonna: Let’s keep talking and film every second of it.
David: Oh yeah, because if the rest of it is as fascinating as the first part of it…then we’ve, we’ve got something there, there, that’s money in the bank, there. [making hand gestures that signify money]
Madonna: Before, wait, wait, wait, before we cut to a commercial, I just want to know…um is that a rug?
David: You talkin’ about my hair? Well, alright what is that a swimcap? What are you wearing?
David: Come on, Let’s go, [gets up and puts his dukes up] here we go.
David: Come on.
[Madonna gets up and takes his challenge]
David: No, no, no, I got a bad neck, I can’t, I can’t, just sit down.
David: Just sit down, sit down, just have a seat.
Madonna: Don’t make me act a fool, Dave, alright.
David: Have a seat.
Madonna: Don’t make me, do you want to touch my dress?
David: I would, I would I would like to touch your dress, [touches dress] oh, very nice, very nice. [sighs]
David: I tell you what, we are going to do a commercial, and uh, we are going to wash her mouth out with soap…
Madonna: And he’s going to smell my underwear.
David: And then we’ll be right back.
Madonna: And um…
David: … Kids, come on back.
David: How do you do Ladies and Gentleman, welcome back, Madonna is here, Madonna and I are just sitting around smoking cigars and swapping recipes.
Madonna: [with cigar in mouth] Yeah.
David: Also uh Counting Crows and the uh world champion grocery bagger. Did you have jobs like that when you were a kid? Did you work in grocery stores, bagging groceries, any of that?
David: Have you ever been in a grocery store?
Madonna: You really have, you really…
Madonna: Yeah. [to grocery store question]
David: Yeah? Good.
David: Uh, and uh…
Madonna: You know you really changed since the last time I was on the show.
David: Well we haven’t seen you in like 6 years or 7 years.
Madonna: You used to be really kind of, like, cool.
David: I know, there is no bigger dweeb than me.
Madonna: Money’s made you soft.
David: Really, you think so?
David: In what sense?
Madonna: Because you just kiss up to everybody on your show now.
Madonna: You do man, you’re always kissing up to like all, I see all these, like you know movie stars coming here and you just all ga-ga, you should just give people a hard time.
David: Yeah, I can suspend that behavior tonight if you’d like.
[applause and laughter]
Madonna: [Laughing] I believe you have already.
David: Oh, I know, now we’re just kidding around, now explain to folks, we’re just kidding around.
Madonna: Don’t treat me special, Ok?
David: Alright, sure.
Madonna: I wouldn’t want you to do that.
David: Now what specifically are you getting at, what is driving you nuts here? What’s troubling ya?
Madonna: About you or life in general?
David: We’ll let’s start with life in general.
Madonna: No let’s just get back to you.
David: Ok, fine.
David: First of all, you’re not irritated at all, you’re not irritated at all, I know this is a little act.
Madonna: You are not irritating me.
David: Ok, good.
Madonna: Are you trying to?
David: No, I’m not trying to irritate you.
Madonna: Actually you do irritate me sometimes.
David: Hmm, hmm.
David: Well you kind of irritate me to.
David: You see we have so much in common.
Madonna: I know.
Madonna: Why are you always …Actually I brought something, to like make a point…
David: Right, ok, good.
Madonna: Because you are always f***** with me on the show.
Madonna: You are always f****** with me on the show.
David: This, you kn…
Madonna: You are always f****** with me on the show.
[an older couple is shown gasping at madonna’s comments]
Madonna: Where is that thing? [the camera]
David: See what you’re doing.
David: You see, you see what you’re doing?
David: Now there, you see.
David: A, a nice couple. Where are you folks from? Yeah Appleton, Wisconsin, look they drove all the way, they came in an Avis car and they wanted …
Madonna: Will you shut up please, can we… let’s get to the tape, I brought a tape to prove that he’s obsessed with my, obsessed with me.
David: Alright, you think we refer to you much to much on the show.
David: Alright, roll the tape Hal, let’s see what she’s talking about here.
David: As luck would have it, I look up and there’s Madonna…
Paul: There she was.
David: …Riding her bicycle. Hal roll my home video tape of Madonna. Watch this, this is very impressive ladies and gentleman, look there she is.
David: Ok, stop it.
[The tape is film of a naked woman riding her bicycle away from the camera, with a black spot over her butt]
Madonna: What’s that all about?
David: Now can you do that? Don’t you have a problem with chaffing when you’re out there like that?
Madonna: My ass looks a lot better than that.
David: [laughing] Are you enjoying that smoke there?
Madonna: It’s just the right size.
David: What are you, uh now when you leave here tonight, what are you gonna do, are you gonna go out are you going to…
Madonna: Don’t f*** with me Dave.
David: Oh, jeez
Madonna: Aren’t there any other segments? That’s it?
David: Do we have more tape for Madonna?
David: Sounds to me…
Madonna: I like the way you say my name, by the way.
David: It sounds to me like somebody might be hmm, hmm with you…
Madonna: Somebody f**** up.
David: [laughing] Oh, god.
Madonna: It’s ok.
David: I want to thank you folks for coming out for this run through show, thank you very much, this of course will never see the light of day, you won’t miss a thing tonight, ummm, you have, you have a top ten list, I’m told.
Madonna: Yah I’m sitting on it.
David: You’re sitting on it, oh are we going to do the list?
David: I heard Morty over there weaseling, first he said “no, no, no, no” and then I said, and then I said “are we going to do the list” and he said “sure.”
Madonna: There seems to be a lot of confusion right now.
David: Yeah guess why.
[Audience, Dave and Madonna laughing]
Madonna: Is it cause I’ve been saying f*** ?
David: You just, you can’t…
Madonna: Speak the truth or train the devil baby.
David: No, you can’t be comin’ on here, this is American Television, you can’t be talkin’ like that, now we’re going to have to…
David: Because people don’t want that in their own homes at 11:30 at night.
Madonna: They don’t?
Madonna: Wait a minute, wait a minute.
David: Yeah, yes sir!
[Dave stands up and salutes the older couple]
[organ music and clapping]
Madonna: Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Madonna: People don’t want to hear the word f*** in their…
David: Oh, stop it, will you stop… Ladies and Gentleman turn down your volume, turn the volume down immediately, she can’t be stopped.
David: There’s something wrong with her…
Madonna: I want to know, what do people…
Madonna: There is definitely something wrong with me…
Madonna: … I’m sitting here.
Madonna: Anyways, what, oooh… [mimicking the crowd]
David: We have to do another commercial, we have to do another commercial, we’ll figure…
Madonna: I don’t think we should…
David: No, we are going to do one…
Madonna: I don’t think, I think we should break the rules…
David: Oh, yah, I’m callin’ the shots.
Madonna: … tonight…I think we should …
David: We’re doin’ another commercial.
David: We’ll be right back.
[Madonna smoking a cigar]
David: Counting Crows will be out here in a little bit and Madonna is with us, if you’re just joining us, so far it has been a fascinating interview.
Madonna: Yeah, you just, Dave just slobbered all over my cigar.
David: Ya, know you asked me to light it for you and I thought I was doing the gentlemanly thing.
Madonna: This is the closest I’m ever going to get to kissing you.
David: Aaah, well…
David: …We could certainly change that, ya know what I mean.
David: …If I don’t have to wait in line.
David: It’s a joke, I’m sorry.
Madonna: We’ll you’re not in the NBA, so forget about it.
David: [laughing] Now, Madonna, I’m told that you’ve prepared a little special comedy thing for us, your own kind of …
David: Yes you, your top ten list, there, and I think all America is…
Madonna: Want to get it? [she is sitting on it]
David: [Madonna leans to the right and Dave reaches to get it] Oh, man, uh damn thing seems to be stuck. [Madonna laughing hysterically]
David: Somebody bring me the Jaws of Life!
David: There, Ok.
Madonna: See, I haven’t dated that many basketball players.
David: Alright, just… [unwrinkling paper]
Madonna: That was a very subtle joke.
David: There, ok. How you been, ya doin’ alright? You look pretty good, everything going alright?
Madonna: Are you talkin’ to me?
David: I’m talkin’ to you, yah.
Madonna: This seems all very rehearsed.
David: I know.
Madonna: Why did you have to go and read a top ten list?
David: We do it every night, have you ever seen the show?
Madonna: Well, actually I have seen the show, but I’ve never, I mean I’ve always been doing something while I was watching the show.
David: Oh, I know, I’ve heard, I’ve heard all about you.
Madonna: Exactly, so.
Madonna: I don’t really, it’s not funny [crumples up top ten and throws it behind her], forget it.
David: Well, now what the hell are we going to do?
Madonna: Oh f*** it.
David: Now, come on, you, you know you.
Madonna: We’re going to have to deal with each other.
David: Oh, let’s don’t do that.
Madonna: No holds, barred.
David: We have tape? Tape of what?
Madonna: Tape? Why can’t we just talk to each other, why do we have to have all of this contrived bull**** ?
Madonna: You know, f*** the tape, f*** the list, everything….you know what I’m saying?
David: Oh, man.
Madonna: I think we should get… don’t you want to show everybody the underwear.
David: Well, uh, I think most everybody has seen underwear.
Madonna: No they haven’t seen, they haven’t seen my unde.. mine …
David: Now, that’s not true.
Madonna: No, no, no, no, they saw me out of my underwear, they haven’t seen me in my underwear.
David: What? Oh, jeez we’re out of time.
David: [laughing] You know, uh…
Madonna: Don’t make me act a fool, Dave.
David: No, no, you know it was fun, I get a big kick out of you and …
Madonna: Really? In what way?
Madonna: What part of your body?
David: I think you’re a nice…
David: You know I think you’re a decent, nice person, you know…
Madonna: Uh, huh.
David: And uh, I’m happy you came by here tonight and gross us all out.
David: But you know, I’m just you know…
Madonna: Isn’t there anything you really want to ask me?
David: [sighs] You know, it’s seems like we know almost everything there is to know about you.
David: Tell us something we don’t know.
Madonna: You don’t know a god-damn thing.
David: Yeah? Like what?
David: What’s the next look? What’s the next incarnation? What’s the next sort of a image, what do we uh…
Madonna: That’s what you want to know?
Madonna: No, that’s not what you want to know.
David: Oh, jeez were out of time again.
David: What are you going to do now, what are you going to do after the show?
Madonna: Did you know that it’s good if you pee in the shower?
David: I’m sorry.
Madonna: I’m serious.
Madonna: No seriously, peeing in the shower is really good, it, it fights um um athletes foot.
Madonna: I’m serious, no urine is like, is like, is like an antiseptic, it’s all got to do with the enzymes in your body.
David: Don’t, don’t you know a good pharmacist?
David: Get yourself some Desinex or whatever that stuff is.
Madonna: I wanted to share something that I knew with you.
David: Ok, well, thank very much and uh I’m going to try to wrap this up.
Madonna: Do you have a girlfriend?
David: What do you care?
David: What, like a guy like me, wouldn’t have a girlfriend?
Audience Member: Yeah Dave!
David: Yeah, thank you very much sir!
David: What about you, do you have a boyfriend?
Madonna: I thought you were going to ask me if I had a girlfriend. Um.
David: Are you currently interested in someone?
Madonna: Hmm, hmm.
David: Oh, really, what’s his name?
David: Dave? No. no, no, not …former mayor of New York, Dave Dinkins?
David: GOOD NIGHT EVERYBODY! [stands up waving and kissing like show is over]
Madonna: Look I don’t want to …
David: You have to, we have to say goodbye now.
David: Because we have other guests.
David: Probably, probably not anymore, but we should.
Madonna: Can’t this just go on and on?
David: Oh, it seems like it has, don’t it?
David: You know we want to get the Counting Crows out here and we want to get the bagger.
David: We want to hear their song, they have a little song they’ve planned for us, so we’d like to hear it.
David: And the grocery bagger, you don’t want to break his heart, do you?
Madonna: [Shakes her head yes]
David: No, look at this [clock showing the time is 12:13] Look see? Hi how ya doing? Oh, ok, so.
Madonna: It’s not really this late anyway, this is all a fantasy.
David: Right, but I mean when…
Madonna: We are living ahead of the time when it actually is.
David: Exactly, very heavy Madonna, thank you.
David: I don’t know, I don’t kn…
Madonna: Don’t f*** with me Dave?
David: I know.
Madonna: Don’t make me act a fool.
David: Um, so I think what we’ll do is..
Madonna: Wait a minute, I just want to ask you one more question.
David: Yeah, sure, go ahead shoot.
Madonna: Have you ever smoked Endo?
David: I’m sorry?
Madonna: Have you ever smoked Endo?
David: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Madonna: You’re a god-damn liar!
David: I , No, I ah, uh, ah, I don’t ah, I don’t.
[Madonna laughing hysterically] [organ music]
David: No, I don’t, I, uh sorry, I don’t, I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Madonna: Well, you should.
David: Alright, well, I’ll put that on my list of things to do.
Audience Member: Get off!
David: [writing on a piece of paper] Smoke some Endo!
Madonna: Oh, oh, oh, and pee in the shower.
David: Ok, pee in the shower. Get those panties cleaned. Ok, alright Madonna.
Madonna: Don’t tell me you haven’t peed in the shower.
David: [laughing strangely] Whoop!
Madonna: Everybody pees in the shower and everybody picks their nose.
Audience Member: Get off!
David: Ok, now, um.
Madonna: Why do we have to be, why do you keep flashing that card?
David: Because, we because…
Madonna: Can’t we just break the rules?
Audience Member: Get off!
Madonna: Who said that?
David: No, no, that’s the guy you wouldn’t kiss earlier.
David: The guy out there, you irritated him.
David: Alright, ok, now.
Madonna: Is the show almost over?
David: The show is nearly over, we have to say goodbye now.
Madonna: We only have a few minutes.
David: We only have a few minutes and thank you again from the bottom of my heart, it was nice of you to stop by tonight.
Madonna: When you come back I’ll still be here, f*** it!
David: Of course that’s what I was going to say, she, she, [in a loud crazy voice] she won’t leave, we can’t get rid of her, what if she’s still here tomorrow night!
[laughter] [organ music, Jaws?]
David: [in a strange voice] Ah, that’s crazy, ah, ah…
David: Ah, just for the hell of it let’s do a commercial and see what happens, we’ll be right back.
[Commercial]© Late Show with David Letterman