Carrie: So, what did your stepmother tell you?
Madonna I don’t remember the exact words, but just that a man has a penis and a woman has a vagina.
Carrie: You didn’t mind the word “vagina” as much?
Madonna No, because I have one, so I can relate to it. I can barely relate to a dick now; I couldn’t at all then.
Carrie: Would you like to have one, every now and again?
Madonna Yeah, I’d like to know what it feels like to go in and out of somebody.
Carrie: Enter laughing.
Madonna It’s enough having my breasts as an appendage. When you jump up and down, or dance, or run, or whatever, they’re there. I can’t imagine having a third thing hanging off my body. How dreadful!
Carrie: I think I’d like to wake up with an erection, even if it was just to not like it.
Madonna Yeah, I’d like to know what those things are like. I’d really like to pee standing up.
Carrie: The way to do that is to go to Africa. When you really have to go, you go in the bush. All you think is that a snake is going to come and bite something – hopefully your ass.
Madonna That’s what makes women extra vulnerable, that extra hole.
Carrie: But men are vulnerable because their genitals are hanging outside and could be lopped off. Ours have been lopped off.
Madonna Yeah, but we have a big orifice tha tinsects can crawl inside of.
Carrie: Have you had that experience?
Madonna No, thank God. But I think I probably had that fear when I was little. Whenever I was out in the woods, I’d sit on my hands to make sure that no bugs could permeate my underpants and go up inside my crotch.
Carrie: They’d have to be pretty small bugs, I guess, depending on what kind of underwear you wore. If you were Catholic, you probably weren’t wearing lace at that point. You didn’t get into really elaborate underwear until recently, I imagine.
Madonna Not until I had money, really.
Carrie: How long have you had money? Eight years? I can figure it out because you were becoming famous when I was in the drug clinic. The videos used to be on. The drug addicts only wanted to watch “Star Trek,” MTV or “The Twilight Zone.” You were part of my recovery, dancing and writhing around on the floor.
Madonna In my lace underwear.
Carrie: Speaking of that, how is your personal life now? You’re not with that guy anymore.
Madonna I’m in a state of limbo. I find myself singing “Mister Sandman” every night before I go to bed.
Carrie: So, do you want me to set you up with some people?
Carrie: Is there something particular that you’re looking for at this juncture?
Madonna Intelligence would be good.
Carrie: As you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people sure don’t.
Madonna I’ll take a slightly overweight guy if he’s smart.
Carrie: You can work him out.
Madonna Yeah, I’ll put him through a training regime. But what can you do to somebody’s brain? The die is cast.
Carrie: You don’t want to put him through Boyfriend University?
Madonna Oh, God, I’m so tired of that. I’m waiting for the perfect man.
Carrie: That’s going to be tough. I always thought that I wanted to form an alliance rather than have a relationship – find someone who you fancy as your counterpart. But a counterpart you go to war with, a counterpart you live with. So this is my new theory.
Madonna I’ve found counterparts, and I’ve worked with them.
Carrie: That almost killed me.
Madonna I have not found a complement.
Carrie: I would have thought your last boyfriend [model Tony Ward] was a complement.
Madonna He was a complement, but my insist that whoever complements me has his own identity. Meanwhile, let’s skip right to the thing men really enjoy.
Carrie: Let’s get to the real servicing thing. The quickest way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach, it’s through blow jobs.
Madonna I don’t like blow jobs.
Carrie: What do you like?
Madonna Getting head.
Carrie: For how long?
Madonna A day and a half [laughs].
Carrie: So why don’t you go out with women? I have the answer from my end.
Madonna Because after they give me head I want them to stick it inside of me.
Carrie: My answer is, because there’s no payoff.
Madonna Although, I guess a woman could strap on a dildo.
Carrie: Not really. There’s no way to look at somebody who has strapped on a dildo and still think they’re a human. Their dignity levels are frighteningly low.
Madonna I’ve never had one inside of me, but for a joke I asked a friend of mine to put one on. I just couldn’t stop laughing, so I don’t see how anyone could look at them with a straight face.
Carrie: That’s what you can do at your level of power: Insist that someone strap on a dildo.
Madonna She was happy to do it.
Carrie: I bet! Good anecdote, bad reality. Mike Nichols once said that in relationships there should be a flower and a gardener, and there was the problem with you and Sean: Two flowers, no gardener, no nurture. Who’s going to mind the relationship?
Madonna That’s exactly it. Who’s taking care of things? “We both need a wife” is what Sean was always saying. We’re supposed to be the good wife.