Oh thank you very much. And what about your husband? Doesn’t he get sick from his mates about what his wife needs a pet snake for?
“Ha ha ha, I’ve never really thought about that, I guess I’ll have to ask him. Do you think they’d give him a hard time?”
I should think so, especially when he’s already got this reputation for being chained to the sink.
“Really? Come on, I’d never do that to him – well, not to the sink, anyway.”
Speaking of sinks, what’s he like around the house? Does he wash the dishes and make the bed and all that?
“Oh, yeah, he’s swell at washing dishes and making the bed. I’m hopeless. He’s a good cook as well. His speciality is that beed burgeoning stuff. We have that about once a month. We eat it while we’re watching The Dating Game. D’you get that show here in England?”
Yes, but it’s called Blind Date, it’s the staple diet of the educationally subnormal.
“Really? I never miss it. But you English are such snobs about TV. If it isn’t Shakespeare, you people don’t rate it.”
And being a member of the famous “Brat Pack”, does your husband give you tips on your acting?
“Sure! The latest thing he’s been teaching me is Method Acting – y’know, that’s what people like Al Pacino and Bobby De Niro do.”
What is it exactly?
“Well, I’ve really only just started learning about it. I got a book outta library yesterday and it says that what it involves is you have to kinda become the character you’re playin’, otherwise all actin’ is a highly sophisticated kinda lie. I think it was Bette Davis who said that good actin’ was all about being a convincing liar. But with Method Acting you have to actually live the life of a drunk or a hooker or a mother with ten kids before you can play the part.”
So that’s why you got pregnant… if you did?
“Ha ha ha… not quite.”
At this point the lamppost moves forward and tells me I can ask one more question, a short one, which rules out the long discussion about taking virgins as lovers.
You’ve been almost universally interpreted as The Material Girl yet once I read a quote in which you said that’s exactly what you’re not.
“I’ll stick by that one.”
Are you The Virgin Queen?
“Ha ha ha… that kills me. But yeah, sure, if you want, for today at least.”
Can I quote you on that?
“Ha ha… you’re not seriously gonna print any of this crap, are you?”
Here’s looking at you, princess.